Thug life.

I’m not saying my kids a thug but he does wipe the odd child out regularly…on purpose. I used to say ‘blame the parents’ but I don’t know how I feel about that statement any more now that I have ‘that kid’.

I’m writing this as I sit in the soft play, enjoying a nice peaceful coffee – said no parent ever. My view from my table is great, to my right I have your stereotypical organic mother – looks like a farmer but probably eats as many take aways as me. Then there’s the polish family, I wish I knew polish, I love ease dropping at the best of times but in another language is just a whole new level of happiness. Oh what’s that’s noise you say? Yeah that’s probably Ollie close-lining kids.

Our plans for today are as follows:

1. Softplay – DONE!

2. Halloween fancy dress shopping

3. Hoover up anything thats not a couch or television unit.

4. Visit my wee gran, teach her how to use snapchat

5. Drink my 11th cup of coffee

My eyeballs are rattling, this is down to my daily caffeine intake. I honestly think if I was to stop drinking it I would be on the worlds biggest come down. It would also affect my work behaviour. For my little followers that don’t know me, I work for one of the biggest and best entertainment company’s in the WORLD. I love it. Talking is one of my favourite things to do along with handstands (which Dougs would probably encourage to be fair) and I get paid to do it…so yeah as I was saying, caffeine makes me type faster and walk to the canteen faster, why would I ever stop drinking it.

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Blog update:

Yeah so turns out I am clearly not the best mum blogger out there 😂

To be fair though, I have been super busy! I’ve moved out the ghetto and now have my own house, I pay my own rent, I learned how to juggle household bills like a proper grown up and in between all that – kept my two humans alive!

Ollie is now fully toilet trained, I’m not going to lie, that was such a scary time for me – we’ve all been there, nobody wants to visit anyone’s house with their kid that could potentially shit on their livingroom floor/couch/hall – anywhere really, just where ever they fancy.

We had a close call a few months back, we were at our friends little boys birthday party and Ollie said he needed to go, so I done the whole OMG scooped him up casually sprinted to the bathroom. He sat on the toilet but had already shat in his nappy so when I lifted him up I luckily caught it in my hand….why does this happen to me? So there I am casually getting poop of my hands trying to hurry up as people were chapping to get in. Then just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the toilet blocked. Of course it did. By this point The sweats pouring of me. Using my mum skills, down went the hand and un blocked it, out struts Ollie back in to the party, I went and bleached my hands. The party was great though!

Just picked Emily up from school. I avoid taking Ollie with me every time, he makes me look like a complete idiot. He’s the height of two footlong subways in amongst a playground and he runs away every time. This morning I dropped Emily of at school for breakfast club and thought I’ll sneak to Asda before the school run starts. There I was in my jeans and a hoody – nobody knew that I had no bra on or my jammie top was under my hoody – CLASSY. Last nights make up may have also still have been clinging to my face. So I thought right quick let’s get a quick few things before anyone catches us. That boy tricks me every single time in to believing that he won’t run away or make a scene in Asda. Drawing attention to my meth-lookalike ways (DISCLOSURE – I don’t actually take crystal meth) So, there he is, the wee arse, pelting up the isle anytime I get near him throwing his little hands about knocking stuff of shelves, throwing tampon boxes at innocent bystanders in for a quiet look at 8am. Then he done the almighty ‘no no’ …he hid.

Where the hell was my 2 year old demon child!!!!! Sweats were back, the sick feeling was taking over but then I saw his curly little head peeking out the photo booth machine. Anyone else do the ‘I’m so angry at you’ but try to do the whole ‘oh you scared me little fella’ in case anyone’s watching and judges you? Surely not just me? Anyways, he never shat in Asda so all good.

Also, my little squad has expanded, we decided to get our first family pet – Caty, the hamster. Yes. A hamster. I managed to get a grey cage to match my curtains and couch so it’s not all bad. There were no grey hamsters left though. Blair pretended he wasn’t that fussed about a hamster but it’s clear a bond has been created ❤️

No word of a lie, as I was typing this someone said ‘Hamster wheel!’ On the television – What are the odds of this? 😂

So yeah to round this up, OH BEFORE I FORGET! #NITGATE … Something scary happened the other week. At Nursery…

HEADLICE … a headlice outbreak, an outbreak to me means when more than one kid has them! That really happened. I’ve never feared for my extensions more, all I could think about was how often I have a kid stuck to the side of my face, sometimes I wake up through the night and BOOM there one is – Emily or Ollie snoring with their little heads attached to my head. I then got super smart, I knew both kids wouldn’t sit at peace whilst I went through their hair looking for devil lice, so I fired them both in the bath with a pack of raisins each. So not only are they getting clean, they are getting one of their 5 a day. I know I know – Smart.

It was all good until I emptied the bath and told them that the raisins they dropped were in fact the bugs from their hair. May have crossed a line with that joke but I thought I was hilarious. Oh and we were all head lice free by the way ☝🏽😎

Laters!

Mom life

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Holy freekan hotness, I don’t mean my newly freckled face. I mean the weather we have had the last two days. 32 degrees at one point in West Lothian? …. WTF! Luckily I had yesterday off to get me some colour and freckles. Red colour. I had cream on I swear. Everyone’s in such a great mood when the suns out eh? People cutting about actually looking buzzing with life because it’s gorgeous outside.

At 0830 this morning it was already scorching, I had work which was fine, 1130 came and the managers were already handing out ice lollies !! – BEST JOB EVER. ‘Oh hey there, just sitting at my desk with a fab ice lolly’ Yum. Sprinkles everywhere…

I stupidly decided to wear my super extra skinny ‘squeeze your ass’ in jeans today (So I had to wear tiny pants so you don’t see the pants line) along with a padded bra as I have pancake boobs. All was well until I got to work and realised my real boob was smooshed out my bra as the padded bra was too small. Great. Just great. There I am cutting about with boobs going one way and my bra going the other. Just when I thought that was my only issue, my jeans were that tight that they were cutting in to my pants … causing FRICTION. My poor wee foof was on fire. After sitting on my foot at my desk for a little while my team and I decided it was acceptable to remove said pants… I wanted to sit in the sink. I never ..I swear! That’s better 😅

I was so proud of myself for handling work well in this heat and for only mentioning that Blair’s home tomorrow like 116 times today instead off 200, I treated myself to some little outfits from H&M. I so deserve it eh? Such a trooper. I couldn’t even try stuff on in the changing room as I had no pants on, there was no way I was standing in the skud with mirrors all around me whilst people were chatting outside the curtains.

Moving on.
I stupidly decided to take the sprogs with me to Tesco after dinner at my mums. (Cheers mum!) they were both covered in tomato pasta sauce, sticky from sun cream and just generally being little shits if I’m honest. There’s only so many times you can use the ‘oh their just tired’ ‘NO SUSAN …Your kids are little dicks’ Sorry…but someone had to say it. Tonight I was ‘Susan’ we made it out of Tesco with only a few looks, I had a dress on and pants by this time by the way. However a little draft would have been delightful in this heat.

I’m absolutely shattered, Scottish people are not used to this weather. My babies are sound a sleep, as much as they drive me nuts, I can’t imagine not wiping their snotty little noses and giving them snuggles every day. My little lambs ❤️

Sweat, laughs and meltdowns. 

Evening lovelies

Just realised it’s Wednesday, how did that happen?
How was everyone’s weekend?

Mines was pretty quiet, I really missed my little lambs, they were at their dads house for a few days *Single Mum Alert 🚨!!* which meant sleepovers at Blairs for me. So to take my mind off my little ankle biters, I decided to apply some tan and drink numerous cups of coffee whilst googling ‘How much surgery would I need to look like Chanum Tatums wife?’ ….I was so hungry after all the doing nothing I was doing, I decided to order some breakfast.

The delivery woman not only came 40 minutes early but she even said ‘Morning Hen’ when I opened the door. How nice is that? If I wasn’t standing in my Jammies looking like a complete stinker, I just might have hugged her.

OH HEY NEIGHBOURS – still hating each other I hear? SORRY – got distracted by the asbo squad there.

BIGGEST REGRET OF THE WEEKEND? Eating the below pizza.

We were booked to go to Cosmos in Edinburgh but due to the rank weather we never went and instead had a cosy Saturday night eating pizza and lots of ice cream. MASSIVE MISTAKE. I ordered a 10inch pizza for myself (diet starts Thursday, Friday, Monday next week) and it had spicy chicken and spicy mince – WHY?.

Lying next to Blair on the couch and my stomach started making ridiculous noises. Oh god. This cannot be good. Genuine fear …I had my plan all prepped out in my head as to why I was going to Tesco at that time of night…I’ll just spill the milk everywhere and say we need more. We are blessed with a 24 hour Tesco. Good plan Stephers. He does not need to know I poop, right? Due to the sensitivity off this conversation topic I will stop right now.

Ok ok …. nothing exciting really happened at the weekend. It flew by – the usual! My backs sore again thanks to Ollie’s antics at school pick up today. He was strutting around the playground with his Stone Roses t-shirt and his little Nike prestos taking the absolute mick out me. You know what it’s like in the school playground, everyone knows everyone however I actually don’t know a lot of people? (Sob sob) All the other parents loooking all composed and gorge. I however have got the whole sweaty top lip thing going on, stinking off fake tan trying to act like I’m so OK with Ollie taking a tantrum, I’m so alright and calm at him screaming at the top of his voice, I joke to the starers ‘kids eh’ but really I’m running through which toys I can blackmail him with to behave.

Oh look! The last people in the playground. Whys this you ask? My two are still running about the playground. I then took it to a whole new level. There were no other parents there, so I chose this moment to pull out the ‘OK, BYE THEN!’ card. You know exactly what I’m talking about 😉

I stormed out and hid behind a sign, Emily is smart like me obviously and clocked on, so I let her be apart of my cunning plan. Peeking through the fence and the little arse wasn’t fussed. He loved that I had left. ‘BE SAD AND LOOK FOR ME OLLIE!!!’ I could see him loving life all on his own. Plan B – The Mummy Meltdown. We’ve all been there, I walked over scooped him up over the shoulder and out we go, we all calmly walked to the car, Emily trying to winch some wee guy in her class, Ollie was held securely (very safely) upside down in my arms whilst blowing drool on to my leg and laughing and by this time I was getting lower to the ground due to carrying a baby hippo up to the car.

Bath time couldn’t come quick enough ‘Muuuuuum, Ollies stood up and peed on me in the bath’  (GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!)

So that was fun. Oh and Blairs in Ibiza which I am so not even thinking about right now, like at all. Not jealous. Or sad. Or crying in to my large strawberry and elderflower wine whilst watching Dinner date alone. Nope not me.

Night night 😘

Wow !!

Holy moly. The feedback I have received from my previous ‘blog’ is overwhelming, the good overwhelming not like omg don’t touch me I’m going to cry kind of overwhelming.

I’ll tell you what’s far from that feeling? Upstairs running about with bricks for shoes. What even are they doing up their? Stephers the newly launched blogger, is trying to get pure in to writers mode 😂 – see my little hint off Motherwell twang sneaking in there? It’s good for adding drama I think…PURE DRAMA.

Anyways, I’ve had a great day so far. Had a brilliant sleep last night thanks to my mums answer to anything sore ‘two tablets and a cup off tea’. I’ll fill you in on my Thursday night thoughts below …

Jesus Christ, apologies but my backs fucked to put it politely (sorry Gran) so last night, floating away to Tramadol town as you do and I thought to myself – uh it’s just so great when they both fall a sleep at the same time. Ollie only threw thirty one tantrums today, hmm he also clocked poor Emily right in the beak with his toy drill and if I’m sure Ems only had one tantrum? It was a cracker though, the kind where they first of all go all high pitched and then go all floppy, then turn into little rigid logs keeping completely still as they loose the bloody plot. I must not laugh. I must not laugh.

Then there’s Blair. I wasn’t going to mention him as he out does me in everything funny. How can you have so many mutual friends and yet never heard of each other? I have never laughed so much, he calls me Rod, sometimes Bonjovi depending on how humid the air is outside (Fro problems) or for a week it was ‘Frankenstein Heed’. Yes you heard correctly, Frankenstein Head. I’ll explain. However don’t judge me. So after years or frowning and screwing my face up mainly at the Tv, I decided I was going to get Botox. I know what you’re thinking, ‘you’re only twenty six’ ‘are you mental’ the answer is yes, I was sick of that big crease between my eyebrows and my extreme coverage (but not extreme enough) foundation sinking in to my spam lines. I done all my research, watched a couple YouTube videos and thought this is so for me! I imagined my creasless face looking all gorge as I gave myself a cheeky smile in the mirror each morning. No. Of course not. That would be to simple for me. I end up with a hyper right eyebrow that can’t control its self when ever I slightly move and a frozen straight eyebrow. Hence the name Frankenstein head. As one eyebrow was so frozen is weighed my eyelid down slightly, so one eye actually looked smaller than the other. FFS! Why can’t I just get Botox like a normal person? Anyways long story short, it sorted itself out after two weeks of walking about with a face like Joan Rivers.

Oh yeah, so today! My little lamb had her assembly at school where she had her own lines to stand up and say !!! All I could think to myself was please don’t dab! Instead she decided to stand and dance like Mr Bean at the part where they had to do their own moves, you when he stands up and let’s his hands flop about by his sides whilst swaying? Yep, that’s Emily.

She nailed it! I just love how she is so well behaved at school and then her diva attitude side comes out as soon as she steps foot out with those school gates. I just love it. What terrifies me is that she actually remind myself of me when I was little – a complete cutie obviously.
The kids are now off to their dads for the weekend which means I am now FREEEE!!! Well, for a few days. I’m contemplating googling candy floss cocktails as I keep seeing them pop up on my news feed. Or maybe crack open that little bottle of wine that I know is desperate to get out of that fridge.

Things I have learned over the last 24 hours.

  1. I must not do the school run without my purse and then realise I have 10 miles worth of petrol then sweat everytime there’s traffic.
  2. I cannot strut about in my gym gear all day kidding on I’ve actually been to the gym.
  3. Do not wear said gym gear in to McDonald’s…that’s embarrassing. ‘Oh hey guys, just had a smashing workout and now I’m going to stuff my face with a large peri peri wrap, don’t forget those cheese bites now gal!’
  4. Learn to park…


 

 

Blogger eh?…

Sorry for the delay in finally posting this, who knew it took so much time to actually write down what goes on in your day whilst having a toddler launch apples at your face. That’s the same apples I found in this little train above.

I’m writing this at 11.30am and already I am demented. Why is this you say? Well, the upstairs neighbours (I live in a beautiful flat that has definitely no sign of any antisocial behaviour or drug activity going on) have got their music belting out and both are trying to out do each other at getting the last word in with their argument. I know I sound total ranty but sometimes it’s good when they start, especially when I can walk to each of my rooms to hear the end off the drama.

You all know me well enough so I am not going to start writing who I am and how many sprogs I have – I dont really know what I am doing to be honest so I will just write down exactly what goes on in my little head daily.

So I was telling you about how demented I am, done the school run whilst having Miss Polly had a dolly belting out my car with the two nuggets in the back totally loving life. My favourite is Vengaboys but we usually only play this on a Friday as it gives us that little buzz we all need for the weekend… the weekend off wiping bums and noses.  We were a bit early for football so went up to my mums where I still have a key (HA!) so made ourselves at home for a wee half hour. Then took Ollie over to football training. As it’s within the nusery, I need to stay to supervise him (basically stand looking like a plum) and I gave him the weekly lecture of ‘Remember and use your listening ears and do not run about unless you are told’ before I could finish this, the wee arse had already started being the class clown. Why does he not listen? He is only two but I mean other two year olds were there totally showing us up. STOP ROLLING ON TOP OF PEOPLE AND KICK THE GOD DAMN BALL OLLS! Ten minutes in and he’s got the shoe off shaking it about. I thought nah sack this, scooped the wee bugger up and left. I hate being all mumsy and making a point of him not behaving, especially when it was roasting outside and I was wanting to be a pure bronzed babe. Not today then. So the usual happened, screaming match, couple of tantrums and a wee smack to my face – I held it together by the way – No tears from me. Well done Stephers.

Nap time – my favourite time. The little man goes for a nap and I get to sit and drink wine, just kidding. Im going to tackle at least 3 packets of space raiders. Thats how crazy I get.

My livingroom looks like a bomb has hit it, can you say that now? Is that allowed? I actually get so nervous these days, especially with me writing this stuff down – it’s evidence! I’m sure I can see a wee bit toast from last night between the chair and the table. Might just leave that there, I’m sure Ollie will gub that when he gets up. This flat is something else, it’s pretty big considering but it’s only temporary, I will fill you in with details eventually. Yay, just seen the bin guys emptying my wee bin, I am heading straight out there to collect my bin before it gets A- Set on fire B- Stolen or C- Both. The downside of living in a flat is that all the bins congregate outside together, me being the cheapskate genius that I am,  made a little sign out of paper and wrapped it with clingfilm (so smart) that has my door number on it – You would think that would stop arseholes from firing in their own rubbish eh? Nope. Oh look another rant…

On that note, I’m going to crack open they pickled onion bad boys and Ollie’s woke up so I’ll need to eat them in the bathroom so he doesn’t harrass me in to sharing.