Thug life.

I’m not saying my kids a thug but he does wipe the odd child out regularly…on purpose. I used to say ‘blame the parents’ but I don’t know how I feel about that statement any more now that I have ‘that kid’.

I’m writing this as I sit in the soft play, enjoying a nice peaceful coffee – said no parent ever. My view from my table is great, to my right I have your stereotypical organic mother – looks like a farmer but probably eats as many take aways as me. Then there’s the polish family, I wish I knew polish, I love ease dropping at the best of times but in another language is just a whole new level of happiness. Oh what’s that’s noise you say? Yeah that’s probably Ollie close-lining kids.

Our plans for today are as follows:

1. Softplay – DONE!

2. Halloween fancy dress shopping

3. Hoover up anything thats not a couch or television unit.

4. Visit my wee gran, teach her how to use snapchat

5. Drink my 11th cup of coffee

My eyeballs are rattling, this is down to my daily caffeine intake. I honestly think if I was to stop drinking it I would be on the worlds biggest come down. It would also affect my work behaviour. For my little followers that don’t know me, I work for one of the biggest and best entertainment company’s in the WORLD. I love it. Talking is one of my favourite things to do along with handstands (which Dougs would probably encourage to be fair) and I get paid to do it…so yeah as I was saying, caffeine makes me type faster and walk to the canteen faster, why would I ever stop drinking it.

Mom life

Holy freekan hotness, I don’t mean my newly freckled face. I mean the weather we have had the last two days. 32 degrees at one point in West Lothian? …. WTF! Luckily I had yesterday off to get me some colour and freckles. Red colour. I had cream on I swear. Everyone’s in such a great mood when the suns out eh? People cutting about actually looking buzzing with life because it’s gorgeous outside.

At 0830 this morning it was already scorching, I had work which was fine, 1130 came and the managers were already handing out ice lollies !! – BEST JOB EVER. ‘Oh hey there, just sitting at my desk with a fab ice lolly’ Yum. Sprinkles everywhere…

I stupidly decided to wear my super extra skinny ‘squeeze your ass’ in jeans today (So I had to wear tiny pants so you don’t see the pants line) along with a padded bra as I have pancake boobs. All was well until I got to work and realised my real boob was smooshed out my bra as the padded bra was too small. Great. Just great. There I am cutting about with boobs going one way and my bra going the other. Just when I thought that was my only issue, my jeans were that tight that they were cutting in to my pants … causing FRICTION. My poor wee foof was on fire. After sitting on my foot at my desk for a little while my team and I decided it was acceptable to remove said pants… I wanted to sit in the sink. I never ..I swear! That’s better 😅

I was so proud of myself for handling work well in this heat and for only mentioning that Blair’s home tomorrow like 116 times today instead off 200, I treated myself to some little outfits from H&M. I so deserve it eh? Such a trooper. I couldn’t even try stuff on in the changing room as I had no pants on, there was no way I was standing in the skud with mirrors all around me whilst people were chatting outside the curtains.

Moving on.
I stupidly decided to take the sprogs with me to Tesco after dinner at my mums. (Cheers mum!) they were both covered in tomato pasta sauce, sticky from sun cream and just generally being little shits if I’m honest. There’s only so many times you can use the ‘oh their just tired’ ‘NO SUSAN …Your kids are little dicks’ Sorry…but someone had to say it. Tonight I was ‘Susan’ we made it out of Tesco with only a few looks, I had a dress on and pants by this time by the way. However a little draft would have been delightful in this heat.

I’m absolutely shattered, Scottish people are not used to this weather. My babies are sound a sleep, as much as they drive me nuts, I can’t imagine not wiping their snotty little noses and giving them snuggles every day. My little lambs ❤️

Sweat, laughs and meltdowns.

Evening lovelies

Just realised it’s Wednesday, how did that happen?
How was everyone’s weekend?

Mines was pretty quiet, I really missed my little lambs, they were at their dads house for a few days *Single Mum Alert 🚨!!* which meant sleepovers at Blairs for me. So to take my mind off my little ankle biters, I decided to apply some tan and drink numerous cups of coffee whilst googling ‘How much surgery would I need to look like Chanum Tatums wife?’ ….I was so hungry after all the doing nothing I was doing, I decided to order some breakfast.

The delivery woman not only came 40 minutes early but she even said ‘Morning Hen’ when I opened the door. How nice is that? If I wasn’t standing in my Jammies looking like a complete stinker, I just might have hugged her.

OH HEY NEIGHBOURS – still hating each other I hear? SORRY – got distracted by the asbo squad there.

BIGGEST REGRET OF THE WEEKEND? Eating the below pizza.

We were booked to go to Cosmos in Edinburgh but due to the rank weather we never went and instead had a cosy Saturday night eating pizza and lots of ice cream. MASSIVE MISTAKE. I ordered a 10inch pizza for myself (diet starts Thursday, Friday, Monday next week) and it had spicy chicken and spicy mince – WHY?.

Lying next to Blair on the couch and my stomach started making ridiculous noises. Oh god. This cannot be good. Genuine fear …I had my plan all prepped out in my head as to why I was going to Tesco at that time of night…I’ll just spill the milk everywhere and say we need more. We are blessed with a 24 hour Tesco. Good plan Stephers. He does not need to know I poop, right? Due to the sensitivity off this conversation topic I will stop right now.

Ok ok …. nothing exciting really happened at the weekend. It flew by – the usual! My backs sore again thanks to Ollie’s antics at school pick up today. He was strutting around the playground with his Stone Roses t-shirt and his little Nike prestos taking the absolute mick out me. You know what it’s like in the school playground, everyone knows everyone however I actually don’t know a lot of people? (Sob sob) All the other parents loooking all composed and gorge. I however have got the whole sweaty top lip thing going on, stinking off fake tan trying to act like I’m so OK with Ollie taking a tantrum, I’m so alright and calm at him screaming at the top of his voice, I joke to the starers ‘kids eh’ but really I’m running through which toys I can blackmail him with to behave.

Oh look! The last people in the playground. Whys this you ask? My two are still running about the playground. I then took it to a whole new level. There were no other parents there, so I chose this moment to pull out the ‘OK, BYE THEN!’ card. You know exactly what I’m talking about 😉

I stormed out and hid behind a sign, Emily is smart like me obviously and clocked on, so I let her be apart of my cunning plan. Peeking through the fence and the little arse wasn’t fussed. He loved that I had left. ‘BE SAD AND LOOK FOR ME OLLIE!!!’ I could see him loving life all on his own. Plan B – The Mummy Meltdown. We’ve all been there, I walked over scooped him up over the shoulder and out we go, we all calmly walked to the car, Emily trying to winch some wee guy in her class, Ollie was held securely (very safely) upside down in my arms whilst blowing drool on to my leg and laughing and by this time I was getting lower to the ground due to carrying a baby hippo up to the car.

Bath time couldn’t come quick enough ‘Muuuuuum, Ollies stood up and peed on me in the bath’  (GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!)

So that was fun. Oh and Blairs in Ibiza which I am so not even thinking about right now, like at all. Not jealous. Or sad. Or crying in to my large strawberry and elderflower wine whilst watching Dinner date alone. Nope not me.

Night night 😘